Is Letting Go of Perfect the Same As Admitting Defeat?
Posted in Balance, Letting Go of Perfect on 08/13/2009 10:55 am by adminWow! You all had a lot to say after our first post — and we are grateful. What a fantastic start to the conversation. We have a feeling it’s gonna get good…
One thing became very clear in the dozens and dozens of comments you posted: We are not alone in this. And neither are you. Finding the right “balance” in life — regardless of whether you work or stay home — is a tricky proposition.
One comment in particular intrigued us (actually, quite a few intrigued us, but, you know, one at a time…). It was from “Julie,” and she told us about her own quest for the New Perfect: “I am working on letting some things go (super clean house, insane scheduling, laying out clothes for kids) and just being happy with what we have … Perfection is unattainable — I will have to admit defeat.”
But is Julie really admitting defeat?
Letting go of perfect sounds easy, but, let’s face it: It makes us feel a little guilty. Who are we to give ourselves permission to ease up? Deep down, we all worry that Good Enough feels like a cop out. An excuse for … laziness. Some of us wonder: Can we embrace the New Perfect and still be a whopping success?
We say yes. The New Perfect isn’t, in our minds, about mediocrity. It is about honing in on priorities. Which isn’t to say that we always know what those priorities should be — or that we always defer to rationality when choosing.
Becky, for instance, has real issues with the state of her kitchen. She likes it clean. Always. Can’t leave the house when it isn’t. (Well, she can, and did yesterday, but she thought about it far too much while she was out). On several occasions, the children have arrived to school a few minutes late because the idea of clearing the breakfast dishes after returning home was unfathomable. A messy kitchen makes her feel imperfect — and, worse, out of control.
And Hollee — well, ask her about the afternoon she once spent accessorizing Oreos for a kindergarten treat. She could have just sent the box. But she didn’t. She was nursing a raging case of guilt (she missed a field trip), so she spent hours turning those cookies into cute little spiders, complete with pretzel-stick legs. She still wonders if the kids noticed.
Some things do require us to be at our best. But everything? Where do we draw the line?
So, tell us: When you let go of perfect, is it the same as admitting defeat? Where do YOU draw the line?
08/13/2009 at 11:27 am
I believe that we set ourselves up to fail when we set perfection as the goal. Excellence is attainable and can also be more clearly defined. Since each person has different needs, wants, desires and perspectives, letting go of perfect can empower us to achieve our best. Letting go of perfect and control can open up a world of possibility and peacefulness, of true acceptance of ourselves and our lives. Instead of beating ourselves up for not being perfect, we can love and accept ourselves for who we are really. It is true freedom.
08/13/2009 at 11:47 am
Well said, Adrienne! Thank you for sharing that. — Becky
08/13/2009 at 11:49 am
This is all so true! Why do I think of it as defeat? Hmmm, I guess after having my third child I had to redefine my measure of success. It was a huge paradigm shift. What I THOUGHT I should be doing (or what I THOUGHT other Moms were doing) and what I should really focus on. I have had to stop comparing myself to other women – oh their house is cleaner, their kids hair is always done, they don’t feed them sugary cereals…it’s self defeating. I’m beginning to learn to focus on my mothering style and my family and realize those are not the most important things to be measuring. Are the kids healthy – check. Are the kids happy – check. Are the kids relatively clean – check. Are the kids well adjusted – check. I let go of control last night on a family bike ride and let the kids pick the course…it was liberating and the world did not stop revolving!
08/13/2009 at 11:53 am
I think the things that our kids will notice the most is whether or not we were there for them. I don’t mean making an appearance at the class field trip or trying to be the PTA mom, I mean really there, ready to listen when they need us to, ready with receive them with open hearts and having arms ready to give hugs when needed or kisses to skinned knees. They will notice if we take the time to be silly, and let them do things like play in the rain even if it means they come in the house with muddy shoes. They will notice less the dishes in the sink and the dirty clothes in the hamper, and notice more the love they get from us and how being at home and part of the family makes them feel. They will notice the sacrifices we make, big or small, to give them a soft place to land until they’re able to do it themselves. As a working mother who spent three years finishing college at night while trying to be a wife too, I finally came to realize that I didn’t have to be perfect, I just had to be me.
08/13/2009 at 12:09 pm
That is really inspiring, Amy. Thank you so much for sharing!
08/13/2009 at 4:27 pm
I had a defining “a ha” moment about the need to let go of perfect when my daughter was 3. She had recently decided to pick out her own clothes, dress herself and pick her hairstyle. She had not yet learned that pink doesn’t always match pink and that two different floral prints don’t necessarily match. And, her favorite hairstyle was 3 pig tails (1 on each side and 1 in the back). “I need 3 piggy tails, Mommy, because I’m 3.” So, each day I drove her to preschool in mismatched clothes and funny looking hair. Each day, I hoped that other moms and teachers would realize that I didn’t select the clothes or the hairstyle. Each day, my daughter bounded up the steps to the school entrance full of joy, confidence and pride. Her best friend was always impeccably dressed with impeccably styled hair, looking like she had just come from a Baby Gap or Gymboree photo shoot. One day when my daughter’s outfit was mismatched worse than usual and the hair was more oddly-styled, her teacher greeted her with, “My, don’t you look beautiful today. I can tell you got yourself ready today, and I’m so, so proud of you. You look terrific!” I quietly said thank you and nodded toward the impeccable friend and made commented on how different my daughter looked. The teacher replied, “Don’t worry, your daughter’s way is much healthier. Perfection causes too many problems.” I drove home, feeling like the earth had shifted beneath me. I started to realize that if I continued to strive to be perfect all the time, all four members of my household would lose our sanity. I’ll be the first to admit that because I do set high standards for myself, my “good enough” can look like other woman’s “perfect.” The important thing is not what people see on the outside. What matters is that the mental tape that I play in my head is all about being good enough and no longer about being perfect.
08/13/2009 at 5:36 pm
Gail-thank you so much for that story! I will definitely be thinking of you and your daughter every time my 5 year old insists on going to the store in his homemade superhero costumes….
08/13/2009 at 5:37 pm
I love it! “Good enough” means something different to each of us, but when it’s something less than perfect, it’s a heck of a lot easier to attain. When I say “good enough” to describe a job I’ve done, my work may very well might be exceeding an extremely high standard. But by giving myself a break (even a little one), I gain so much in return! Thank you for sharing, Gail. Let’s keep this conversation going!
08/13/2009 at 6:05 pm
Gail, you are my new hero.
The idea of whether being a “good enough” mother being a cop out strikes a chord in my heart (and not a pretty one, either).
I remember having to swallow tears of fury when my 2 yr old boy woke up from a nap at preschool not wanting to participate in the Halloween parade. I had spent HOURS putting his costume together. It was, in my mind, the last “special time” he and I would ever spend together and now it was ruined. I was, in my defense, 9 months pregnant with his little sister. But I honestly felt I couldn’t possibly be a good enough mother if he didn’t like the costume enough to wear it for the *very important* parade!
I know that being a successful parent isn’t always about costumes, matching clothes, clean teeth, or even healthy meals three times a day. My children have their own needs/wants/desires, and they don’t always mesh with mine. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I feel about that….
So, is it a cop-out to be good enough? Or is it really a calculated decision to pick my battles?
08/13/2009 at 7:48 pm
I am the exact same way with my kitchen as Becky. Reading that made me laugh out loud. And, I am also the mom who puts way too much time into school snacks like Hollee. I absolutely love this blog. It gives me a sense of relief; allows me to relax a bit. You are starting to make me think that letting go of some of my perfectionism might actually make me happier. I can’t wait to read your book!
08/13/2009 at 8:39 pm
Carol Ann — I think that being a “good enough” mom is partly (but only partly) a calculated decision to pick our battles. After all, when we decide not to battle with our kids and succeed at getting them to do what we want them to do (our idea of their being perfect at that moment) we are accepting something that is “good enough.”
When I first gave up the idea of being the perfect ________________ (wife, employee, mom, friend, daughter, sister, etc), I thought that I was primarily preserving my sanity. After I settled into “good enough,” I attributed the mental shift to my maturing and becoming wiser.
Now, I realize that settling for “good enough” also is a key ingredient to my children’s emotional development. If I need everything to be perfect all the time, then I’ll insist on doing everything for them, and I’ll never let them succeed and fail on their own. With the help of some good parenting books, I’ve learned that they (especially my tween daughter) need to do things independently so that they can become capable, confident, independent adults. So, when she wanted to fold her own clothes and pack her own suitcase for our vacation that starts tomorrow, I forced myself to let her suitcase be packed less than perfectly. Same goes for her packing her own lunch (even though she always packs a larger treat and a smaller fruit portion than I would), readying her backpack with her new school supplies, etc, etc.
And, I must admit that it’s great to have one less lunch to pack each school/camp day and one less suitcase to pack tonight.
“Good enough” is not always mentally easy to accept, but it has tangible benefits beyond saving my sanity!
08/14/2009 at 5:41 am
Gail that is a GREAT story! I realize now that I have given up a lot of my control and quest for perfection and it does make my kids healthy and happy, proud and independent. My middle child rides his bike in the middle of summer in shorts, no shirt, huge bicycle helmet and snow boots. At first I was mortified, what will the other parents think – I have this little hillbilly kid. But, what was funny, is that the other parents thought it was great, that he is such a cool, funny kid and Logan loves being different. He now sports a mohawk at age 7 and most ppl comment about how cool it is. Thank you for your story because I do feel better about relaxing and letting them “do their own thing”. Do I really want to burden my kids with MY own hangups – uh no!
08/14/2009 at 6:40 am
A friend with younger children forwarded this blog to me — my kids are 17 and 13 and so that makes me a different ‘generation’ than you all w/ preschoolers. But I have been there — and not too long ago. I can relate to the ‘perfect’ stories — I thought my (non-working) mother was ‘perfect’ and that I had to be, too. But I think a bit also must have changed in the last 10 years. When my kids were little my friends and I were always looking for the next time we could slip away — just 6 girls for a night out. We all made sure we had fun, too. Without my friends, I probably would have fallen into the – -it’s all about the kids, all the time. And sometimes I’m sure I have fallen down that hole. But I actually think — like Gail has pointed out — that an attitude like that is unhealthy for kids, as well as moms. Kids need to know: 1.) my parents aren’t perfect (and neither were their parents, etc.) and 2.) my parents have needs/wants and sometimes they come before mine!
The last thing you want to do is raise kids (esp. young boys) who come to expect perfection imposed by a female figure who does it all. Whoa — what a recipe for disaster for them in their own relationships w/ girls, women. That said — it is hard to give up control. My 17-year-old son certainly lets me know when he thinks I’m trying to exert too much control over him!
When they were young and I could sense one of my sons was upset with the way my husband or I had treated them, or that things hadn’t turned out ‘perfectly,’ I’d acknowledge that and say — You’re right. Even mom’s and dad’s aren’t perfect — they mess up and act in ways they shouldn’t some times. But people are like that and you’ll find that out in life.
08/14/2009 at 1:32 pm
Becky and Hollee,
I started to comment and then realized I could get my own blog post out of answering your question. So I cheated and wrote one thing to serve both purposes. I’d like to say that I’m going to rescue an orphan or pick my girls up from camp early with the time I saved. Instead, I’m probably going to spend the time searching for my next hit of caffeine. I think that pretty much captures my approach to “balance.”
http://www.themillennials.org/2009/08/is-good-enough-really-good-enough.html
09/09/2009 at 8:52 am
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.