Why Opting Out Isn’t the Whole Story
Posted in Career, News/commentary, motherhood on 10/04/2009 08:48 pm by adminSo here we are again, in the wake of a media frenzy about Census numbers, debating the whole “opt-out revolution” and whether it really exists.
Let me catch you up. The idea of highly educated women abandoning their careers to stay home and raise children really ticks people off. I start with this point because it seems to be the one thing we know for sure. You see, despite data that describe such a trend, not everyone agrees that significant numbers of career women really are “opting out.” For decades, workforce participation rates of married mothers were on the rise — then suddenly, around the turn of the millennium, they began to drop. Women must have been choosing this path, right? Perfectly clear?
Becky's smart friends circle the parachute
It was clear enough to inspire a certain amount of handwringing. In 2003, Lisa Belkin of the New York Times gave it a name — the Opt-Out Revolution — and, in 2007, author Leslie Bennetts took on the issue in her bestselling book, The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?
But some commentators thought the outcry was overblown. They said the numbers really reflected the recession of the early 2000s, not a sociological shift toward stay-at-home motherhood.
And last week, The Washington Post again called into question the whole “obsession with high-achieving professional mothers sidelining careers for family life,” saying new U.S. Census figures largely debunked the myth. These newer statistics showed that stay-at-home moms tended to be younger and less educated, with lower family incomes.
OK, so what does this all mean? Are droves of highly educated women leaving their careers to be stay-at-home moms or not? When Hollee and I examined numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics for our book, we specifically looked at college-educated mothers of infants. In 1997, nearly 71 percent worked; by 2007 that number had dropped 11 percentage points. (It then climbed slightly the next year). This seemed simple enough at first, but my years writing data-heavy stories for newspapers reminded me that numbers rarely tell an entire story. Often, there is more than one way to interpret a single statistic.
Hollee's smart friends raise the parachute
In this case, the numbers are deceiving because they are merely snapshots. They don’t tell us what these stay-at-home moms did the next year — or even what they were doing while they were “opting out.” They might have been planning their return to the workforce or sussing out a business plan for their newest venture. In the interviews we conducted for our book, Hollee and I found many women who took time off to stay home — then jumped back in stronger and more successful than ever. If surveyed during their time home, they would have been classified as merely “opting out.” And for some, that time out was merely a chance to regroup.
Which brings me back to the one thing we really know about this debate: It strikes a nerve. Well-educated women relegating their days to sitting under a parachute at Gymboree makes some people uncomfortable. Period.
It feels like a slap in the face of feminism. But is it? In arguing that these numbers can’t possibly be true, are the commentators subtly suggesting that they shouldn’t be true? (That’s what David Leonhardt of the New York Times Economix blog thinks this debate is really all about). Between the lines, are they really implying that there is something wrong with staying home?
Maybe what we need to do is step back for a moment and look at the big picture. There are a lot of options between “opting out” and “opting in.” And the research Hollee and I have done shows that this is where our generation has found the means to take control of our lives. Somewhere in the middle. The women of our generation might take a few years at home — then launch a business or ease back into the workforce part time. We might move sideways before moving up, or we might work from home while still working our way to the top of our field. “Opting out” for many of us is simply a stop on a very long journey. For some of us, it’s a longer stop, and that’s OK too.
And this is where the numbers fail: They don’t tell the entire story. –Becky
So tell us, are the moms you know opting out for good, or is that only part of the story? Tell us.
10/04/2009 at 9:51 pm
I don’t think any moms I know are opting out for good. Most are figuring out the best options for themselves and their families — whether it’s returning to work full-time, returning to school for a new degree and new career, or trying to find a balance between a part-time job and parenting. A small number of moms I know are staying at home with new babies or very young children for the time being, but many of them are starting their own businesses so they can still be around for their kids’ milestones and after-school activities, but also find a way to get back into work in a new way.
10/04/2009 at 10:58 pm
I think a lot of professional women opt out of a career because their employers are so hostile to what it takes to be a mother even while keeping your full-time job. Academic women are exceedingly lucky that we have a lot of flexibility and autonomy, so it’s easier to slip out to go to your kindergartener’s Author’s Tea or to the apple-picking trip or to take a change of clothes to the school nurse for your child who just had an “accident.”
Nevertheless, even in that very flexible environment, whoa be unto you if you don’t want to spend your nights and weekends while your children are small click-clacking away at a law review article or you don’t want to spend your summers showing what a team player you are by picking up a summer session of Trusts & Estates. And while I’m sure there’s a Mr. Mom out there in the academic world that has the same problem, I certainly have yet to serve on a faculty with him. When both mom and dad have careers — or even when they don’t — moms usually draw the short straw when it comes to having to put work aside for child care. If I have to listen to another faculty fawn all over some guy in his 30’s who is “so productive despite having 3 children,” I’m going to vomit. He doesn’t have 3 children; the wife who had to quit her job at the firm has 3 children. He’s got full-time overqualified childcare and a quiet office away from the family in which to Think Big Thoughts.
I wouldn’t mind the sight of 7 women with J.D.’s sitting under a Gymboree parachute if I thought they were there because they had made a choice in the bargained-for-exchange sense of the word. Most often, though, I think they’re there either at the expense of their career or because their career wouldn’t bend so they had to give up.
10/04/2009 at 11:18 pm
I think most women are “sequencing” or stopping out, whatever term you want to use. But frankly, I find all of this discussion offensive. Feminism, to me, means that women are free to become whatever they want — President, lawyers, businesspeople, and even, G-d forbid, a SAHM. That’s what freedom is all about.
10/05/2009 at 8:25 am
I don’t think you can generalize- I think each woman (and family) has her own situation dictated by so many factors- personal experience, values, financial situation, etc. etc. For every woman I know in my group of friends and acquaintances there is a different “story.”
Personally, I don’t understand the hype around “opting out.” We each make the decision that works best for our families and, in the end, who cares what other people think of our decisions? This is coming from someone who got a law degree from a top law school (and is still paying back the loans!), worked at a top international law firm, and then decided, for many personal reasons, to stay home full time with our children and now I have NO desire to go back to what I was doing before. I run into people all the time who can’t understand my decision to “waste” my expensive education. For me, the ultimate “job success” is raising a happy, healthy family in a way that works for US. This isn’t to say that my friend who is doing the same thing in a different way is right or wrong, better or worse. They are doing what works best for their family- and, again, who is anyone else to analyze or judge those decisions??
10/05/2009 at 8:33 am
I did not quit my job at the PD’s office because I had to, I quit it because I chose to. Granted, I spent a year watching the other female attorney in the office try to juggle job responsibilities with motherhood and, even in a very supportive environment, it wasn’t easy for her. Those of us who are practicing lawyers know that the court-schedule is very inflexible. The judge, by and large, doesn’t care that your child threw up all over your suit as you walked out the door. He just cares that you are late,which makes him late for the rest of the day. So, I chose to stay at home, while trying to keep my hand in writing appeals and habeas petitions. I discovered that most of my clients could care less where I was writing their briefs, just that they get them done. This did not help me NOT to feel like a fraud at times, but it was a decision my concience compelled me to make. This was underscored a few weeks ago when my husband and I toured a new childcare center. There was a room for 6 week-6 month old babies. And there, in a swing, was a newborn. It broke my heart and I immediately turned to my husband. We both had the same thought: “thank goodness we didn’t have to make that choice”.
I agree with Laura that feminism gave us the freedom to chose our futures. If a woman has to continue to work or if a woman chooses to continue to work or if a woman chooses to remain home, it is a choice that should be supported by everyone.
10/05/2009 at 8:48 am
This is a wonderful post that brings up great discussion. The social dynamic is very interesting to me. I’d definitely be interested in reading your book and research. It does seem that for a time there was a trend of educated women pursuing careers outside of the home. I imagine we did it because we could, as a response the many years women had been held back. And now we’re seeing that we want different things or that we want it ALL. Lots to consider.
10/05/2009 at 8:49 am
Ok, your right this does strike a nerve with me eventhough most moms in S. Florida stay at home. I used to work in the Film Industry but the hours and pay were extremely uncertain. Unfortuantely day care is extremely expensive at about $1000 per child. I honestly couldn’t justify working just to pay for daycare. I think if you really look at the numbers this is the case for a lot of people. Think about it…by the time you pay for day care, work clothes, dry cleaning and all those things that you need to work, it just doesn’t add up.
Personally, I would love to go back to work. However, it still wouldn’t be that easy because of the industry I was in. Yes, I could to choose which films to work on and how many through out the year but the hours and call times are just too much. I do plan to go back to work eventually. And just for the record, I do have my own Ebay business and do pretty well. But, I still feel I would be a better parent if I worked part-time oustside the house.
10/05/2009 at 9:46 am
I love this blog!
I took time off — not opted out of my career — to raise my children, who are in school full-time for the first time this year. I don’t regret it for a second, but I am excited about the prospect of being able to really work again.
The last paragraph of this blog explains my situation perfectly. Right now I’m easing back into the workforce. My jobs are lateral or even less impressive than my past career. I hope to launch a business in the future. I just don’t know right now. I feel this pressure to achieve right away, and though I’m working about four part-time jobs and still trying to be room parent and picture parent and everything else to both of my kids, I’m stressed that I’m not doing enough to secure my future. This blog helps me see that what I’m going through is normal and that I’m not the only one. It makes me feel like it’s OK that I haven’t found the answer to the rest of my life in the first two months of school. This blog helps me feel better about my life when I don’t otherwise feel that way! Thank you, Becky and Hollee!
10/05/2009 at 11:09 am
“Opting out” just sounds awful! I believe I made a choice to stay home and do a very important job raising my sons, rather than opting out of my career. Being able to make this decision shows a progression in the feminist movement which gives me the freedom to keep changing and making choices as I see fit.
10/05/2009 at 11:18 am
The numbers never tell the whole story. Never. Any statistic can be manipulated to make it work for your thesis. You know that, and this post clearly shows that you know that!
I do think it is a slap in the face. My personal beliefs about feminism is that the truest version of that -ism allows all women to make the choices that are right for them.
Love this, great and clear and strongly written, as always.
10/05/2009 at 11:41 am
Thanks for this post, Becky. I was fortunate to have very long maternity leaves and an extremely flexible work environment, which included a job-share (we each worked two days a week) for several years. Later, when my daughters were in school full-time, my employer gave me the ability to telecommute three days a week. Our workplace has a union that helped obtain these innovations for me and my colleagues. I know that unions are a dirty word to some people, but I really think having an organized workforce has helped in areas like this. I work in publishing, and these arrangements have turned out really well — the employees are happy, the employer keeps valuable staff from leaving and best of all, my kids have their mom available!
10/05/2009 at 11:53 am
Although I have been following this blog, I have never felt compelled to post until today. Rather than the right/option to be part of the paid workforce, the feminist movement has given us choices. I, too, hold a graduate degree from a very distinguished university. I also have made the choice, for now, to stay home and raise my boys. I was offended by the comment made by Tracy when referring to a coworker’s wife as providing “overqualified childcare.” This is the hypocrisy that bothers me the most. When did we, women, start judging childcare providers as being less than other in the paid workforce? Why, when a mother or father works full-time AT home raising their children to be productive members of society, is it seen as simply “childcare?”
Thank you for this thought provoking piece!
10/05/2009 at 12:07 pm
Thank you for this thoughtful post. In my particular corner of the world it does feel like many of my highly-educated peers are opting out. My friends, in general, seem to be embracing motherhood with a fervor I frankly wish I had, and turning their backs on their professional selves. Who knows if this is forever or not – though one thing I do feel quite strongly in this whole debate is that most people are naive about the ease of getting back in after an extended break from the workforce.
I’ve tried to do both: I work part time and am home with my kids part of the time. Occasionally I feel like the combination is really singing. Most of the time I feel like I’m doing everything half-assed and one strep throat diagnosis away from complete breakdown.
You are absolutely right though, this strikes a deep chord. I think that comes from most of our inherent anxiety and insecurity about our choices, and also from a deep, honest desire to do the right thing by our children.
Lindsey
http://www.adesignsovast.com
10/05/2009 at 12:08 pm
I do agree that some people have a problem with highly educated women staying home with their children, but each family situation is different and cannot be judged together. I received my MBA when I was 5 months pregnant. I had a great job and worked until I delivered and also worked during my maternity leave (thank God for a mom who met me at O’hare and took a screaming infant so I could attend a meeting). But, I did not give birth to a ”healthy, normal son.” So, I listened to my heart and made the decision to leave my job and stay at home. It was a very hard decision, but I will never regret it. It was the right decision to help my son. I wasn’t at Gymboree under a parachute, but I was at the library story time with my son, every week, for an entire year. It took that long for him to be able to handle crowds. Every week we went and every week we made a little progress. The first week, he couldn’t handle all the stimulation of the people and clung to me as we stood in the back. Every week I would take him back and I would move a little closer to the librarian reading a book. After a year, he was able to sit on my lap, at the front and listen along with the other kids. This was one of many struggles that I have dealt with my son, but I can thankfully say that after 10 years, he has come a long way. Do I miss working, somtimes, but when I see how well my son is doing, I know I made the right choice. We should be proud that women have a choice today. I support my friends who work outside the home and the ones staying at home. I have seen the ones at home taking freelance jobs or starting small businesses while taking care of their children. They are using their education, but in a different way that works best for their families.
10/05/2009 at 12:21 pm
I had a plan to balance work and family, then my baby had some health issues and I couldn’t return to work on schedule and was out a job. I’ve cobbled together PT work from home since then, but I feel like I’ve made do, not opted out.
10/05/2009 at 1:25 pm
I’m a teacher and I chose to stay home with my first child. He’s now 2 1/2 and I’m pregnant with my second. If at all possible I will stay home with both of them until they are at least school age (if I don’t decide to home school!
. I have many other friends who are staying home with their children when they are young. Some of them will go back to work when their kids are school aged, some won’t. But that’s for various reasons. One of my friends can’t work due to visa issues (she married an American, but is not a citizen), another because it wouldn’t be worth it for her to work due to a court settlement that garnishes her husband’s wages (and hers by default). Obviously there are always people and stories behind the numbers, but by and large I don’t think women, at least those I know, are opting out entirely.
Personally I’ve tried a couple of different home business ventures and am now hoping that my scrapbooking business will take off because it’s something I’m really passionate about and it fits well with my photography business. And yes, eventually I would love to go back to teaching because it’s something I’m also passionate about. But I don’t feel like I would be a good mom, wife, or teacher at this point in my life because the responsibilities would be too much. My personal choice.
10/05/2009 at 7:30 pm
I think the only way to get a clean read on the stats re: women ‘leaving’ the workforce/opting out would be to compare their percentage to that of the men during the same timeframe (the control group); then take the incremental difference between the two. I suspect that with the higher unemployment percentage overall that the female opt-out results are exaggerated. I worked for a large company until 2004, when we were bought out by another larger company. Since then I’ve not opted-out, but opted for flexibility with my own business. Thank goodness for those little speedbumps that pop up in life…if you’re not careful, you’ll keep doing the same thing day after day while on autopilot, then wake up 10 years later and wonder just what exactly happened to your life! Good post btw.
10/05/2009 at 8:13 pm
If I think about 10 friends of mine with kids, I can think of 10 completely different scenarios of working vs SAHM…. and all of my friends are extremely well-educated. There are women who stay home full time bc they want to, women who essentially lost their job after the baby was born, stay-at-home dads, and many permutations of the above scenarios. Heck, if you look at all the previous posts, every single one has a different story or explanation of their choice about work/home life.
I agree completely that statistics do not tell the whole story, but I am also not sure how to figure out what the ‘trends’ are in today’s generation vs. the Boomers. Maybe the interviews for your book will help tease out the true story.
10/05/2009 at 9:41 pm
The beauty of life is the infinite variety, the endless opportunity of the unexpected, and the intense depth of each lived experience.
As a nurse and professor I appreciate the generalizations that statistics can offer yet, these cannot speak to the perspective of the individual.
Think of any hot topic or socio-political issue and spin… most of the time there is a tendency to over-simplify in the name of inflaming and blaming… not toward deeper understanding.
As I get older and watch my two school-aged children grow, the more I realize these truths.
I appreciate that I had the choice to enjoy being home when my kids were younger and feel blessed to have had that option (not obligation). As well, I am thankful for the versatility of my educational background to do what I do. On top of it all, attitude is everything: taking the positive approach to whatever option or obligation you have can rule the experience and fully direct the outcome!
Good stuff. Thanks~
Karen Niland RN, MS
10/05/2009 at 9:56 pm
Becky – GREAT POST. Stirs up so many thoughts and feeling that I don’t know where to begin… so I’ll try to keep my comments short.
I graduated from a prestigious university and fostered a great and well-paying career for 13+ years before having my first child and choosing to be a SAHM. I agree with previous posters that “opt-out” is a terrible word for it. It’s a negative term that makes it almost clear that it’s a poor choice to “opt-out”.
Personally, I consider my job as a mother to my daughter (and future children) to be my biggest challenge to date. I have no current plans to return to the workforce, but I imagine I will someday. In the meantime, I will put my education and energy to work in my community and in my daughter’s development. I have confidence that I will find a perfect outlet for my skills and passions one day, when I am ready.
I believe Feminism doesn’t mean you HAVE to conquer the man’s world. It means you have a choice to conquer it. Or, to conquer something else entirely…. ; )
10/05/2009 at 10:05 pm
Just something I wanted to add…
In Germany, in addition to a more generous paid parental leave, both parents can get up to 3 years of parental leave (unpaid), with a guaranteed return to their job. And that’s 3 years with full health coverage too. I would imagine the stats for “opt-outs” are very different in a country with those types of policies — I think it would lead to a higher % of mothers returning to their careers after 2-3 years than we see in the U.S. ??