Today we welcome journalist/dad John Carpenter as he shares this thoughts on staying home with the kids. I should note that I first met John 13 years ago, when he was assigned to “show me the ropes” during my first week at the Chicago Sun-Times. His orientation was as thorough as they come: He not only briefed me on every ongoing story that might cross my path (“If they say anything about a new Bears stadium, that’s big!”), he shared his entire source list, described the management style of every editor on the city desk and told me when to avoid the Kennedy Expressway. I was grateful for that — and I am grateful for this. — Becky
Here’s the thing about “the challenge of being a stay-at-home dad,” my assigned topic for today. A guy has to be careful how he talks about it. Therein lies the rub.
It is challenging in many ways, to be sure. (For the record, most of those ways are no different for women). But if I had a dime for every time a guy looked at me and said: “Man, you’ve got it pretty good,” both my wife and I would be home with the kids by now. The truth is, I do have it pretty good. And nobody wants to be thought of as a whiner.
John Carpenter, his wife and their children
The challenge I will focus on I’ll call ego, and I don’t use that term in a flippant, derisive way. It’s not as simple as not feeling as important as I used to, or not getting the recognition I used to. It has more to do with my sense of self. As I balance the gift of more and better time spent with my children against the shelving of a career that was a very big part of who I am, it isn’t always an easy fit. This is especially true as I’ve watched the careers of my friends and former colleagues march on, most of them to greater successes, while my life has moved down a different track. Women have, of course, been dealing with this for decades. I am not suggesting it is harder for me to deal with because I’m a man, only that it’s different.
I should tell you a bit about my situation. I was a newspaper reporter for 16 years, most recently at the Chicago Sun-Times. I won my share of awards, and was often tapped to cover major stories all over the country and as far away as Northern Ireland.
My wife is an advertising executive — a very good and successful one. We never actually “laid our cards on the table” when it came to balancing our careers and family. But if we did, her salary was a full house to my middle pair. So when her bosses offered a big promotion that came with a move to Detroit, it was hard to say no.
Our son, Patrick, was just over a year old. Thinking we’d be in the Motor City for perhaps three years, we decided I would stay home with him. I’d freelance here and there, and get back into the newspaper business full-time when we returned to Chicago. It was a decision I made willingly, partly because I was at the point in my career when I was ready to try something new, and partly for the same reason many parents make the decision – we thought it would be better for Patrick.
Three years turned to eight, with the birth of a daughter thrown in. My freelancing career trailed off as the obligations of young kids grew. Before I knew it, I was pretty much a full-time stay-at-home dad.
At first I thought it would be a challenge operating in what is mostly a world of women. No one likes being an outsider, and there were many times early on that I felt like one on the playground. But I learned to ignore the few moms who looked at me sideways and nudged their kids away from the only man on the playlot at 10:30 in the morning. I sidled over instead to the plenty of others who welcomed me as a friend. All stay-at-home parents know that a network of fellow parents is crucial to making it through the long days. And I had a solid and supportive network of “mom friends.”
Household chores weren’t a problem. I’m much more Oscar Madison than Felix Unger, and certainly no June Cleaver. But we managed.
I’m also pretty good with kids and have enjoyed watching mine grow.
But as time wore on, and my days of newspapering grew smaller in the rear-view mirror, I started to notice that I didn’t refer to myself as a stay-at-home dad when people asked what I did.
“I’m a writer,” I’d say. “I freelance a bit. And I’m working on a book.” I’d usually throw in that I used to be a newspaper reporter in Chicago, before my wife’s job took us to Detroit. I’d always wind up acknowledging that I was “pretty much a stay-at-home dad.” But it wasn’t something I would ever solely call myself.
Part of it was the worsening economy, and the fact that I started noticing more and more men on the playground, many of them newly laid off. And everything I said was true, of course. But I knew that my need to say it was a way of saying to the world: “Really, honestly. I’m more than this.”
I felt – and sometimes still feel – especially insecure in social situations where it’s just me and a bunch of guys. The simple fact is that most men my age work full time outside the house. And a very large number of the ones I know are the sole provider for their families. I’m sure that, more often than not, I projected my own anxieties onto others. But I am also sure that many men looked at me with less than full respect. It was a bit easier to ignore the moms who weren’t quite comfortable with my status. Finding “mom friends” was as much about me as it was about my kids, and helping them have friends to play with. When it came to other guys, though, it was strictly about me. Often I could let things wash off my shoulders. But just as often I could not.
Still though, the challenge is about more than just feeling deflated at a cocktail party. At it’s core, dealing with it is about being true to myself. I am happy and willing to sacrifice for my kids. But I also want them to know that I am more than just the guy who coaches their baseball teams and tells them to clean their rooms. And I also want and need for myself to know that, while I have sacrificed my career, I haven’t given it up.
So I guess I’m meeting this challenge by not giving in to it. We’ve moved back to Chicago. And though much of my time has been spent helping the kids – now 11 and 7 – settle in, I’m also rededicating myself to fanning the flames of my flickering writing career. What I’m looking for, I suppose, is the elusive “balanced life.” It’s a tough little bugger to catch, but worth the effort.
Gotta run now, though. It’s time for second grade basketball. — John
John Carpenter, a former Chicago Sun-Times reporter, is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad. He and his wife, Mary, and their two children, recently returned to the Chicago area after eight years in Detroit.
Readers: Please tell us, whether you work or stay home — and whether you’re a mom or dad — have you ever found yourself needing to fine-tune your own definition of what you do?
